MONDAY, May 23, afternoon

Something inside me told me not to go. We were supposed to go back to Atlanta on Sunday afternoon, but I bitterly cried at the thought. Maybe it was because 24 hours is not enough time to spend in Columbus when this was my first visit in 6 months. Maybe it was because Saturday was such a lovely day-- I flew home, I was reunited with my parents, I flopped puppy ears and squished puppy faces for hours, I dug through a bag of treasures brought to me from the Caribbean, I got to see Nana and Papa, I got to pray for my best friend between contractions, I spent time with the friends who had become like family (and the ones I love the most, at that: Nathan, Ashley, the Rices, LB, T-Nip, Blake and Barak, and a few others), and, best of all, sweet Emma Grace entered the world at about 10pm. Best night ever. Maybe it was because seeing who I saw made my whole heart ache. Maybe it was because being here in these moments makes this place feel more like home than any other place in the entire world. It’s not that I’ve made a mistake-- Southeastern is where I am supposed to be, Wakefield is where I am supposed to be, but Columbus unequivocally has my heart and when I leave this place, there is a ripping that I can feel, like it’s wrong when I leave, like it’s wrong that I’m “doing life” somewhere else. And though I know I am “doing life” in the right place for now, I absolutely do not feel like this when I leave Raleigh. Raleigh doesn’t haunt me when I’m away and her people don’t haunt me for weeks like he does... But maybe it was because everything about Columbus feels fleeting. Time here is so short. The people I love here are either fragile or they are the strongest that I know. In both cases, I am compelled to love harder, to work harder to maintain, and to return.

I am thankful for my incredible seminary, for the professors there who teach me more than book-stuff and who take the time to know me, for the seminarians who I have met, who I have shared many laughs with, and who I have traveled the world with. I am thankful for my sweet church, for the opportunity I have had to serve, for the men who teach and guide me, for the adorable children and for their parents who allow me to love their children. There is no way I could complete my education (in both the seminary and church sense of that word) here in the same way. But if I could uproot Southeastern and all that comes with it and if I could serve and learn and grow at Wakefield, but I could do it all here, I would in a heartbeat. If I could have everything that I love about Raleigh with me in Columbus, I feel like I would be complete. 

How in the world am I SUPPOSED to be there when I feel like this place is home. How can I be in two places at once? I can’t possibly, but that is absolutely what I feel like is happening to me.