So today, Kaci wrote on my Facebook wall and told me to blog. It's as if she knew I had something on my mind that I've not been willing to put into writing...
There are a few areas of my life where I feel like God is calling me into deeper purity and deeper surrender. I won't delve into all of them, but there is one in particular that is scaring the mess out of me. I don't want to let it go. I mean, I say I want God to be in control of this item and I really do only want His best for me regarding this, but letting go of it, I mean COMPLETELY relinquishing control of it is terrifying. What if He takes it and never gives it back? I know He is faithful and sovereign and that His will is perfect and if it is His will to take it and never give it back, then I don't want any alternative...but I'm having a hard time giving it over and walking away.
The world definitely has its opinion on this subject, and pretty much everyone at Southeastern has their own opinions, and everyone has their advice and cliches...But what I need everyone to have is prayers for me regarding this. I feel so dumb even considering writing this down, but Satan is working a number on me here, so I'm shedding light on this situation.
Will you shine with me?
I can't date anymore. I just can't. And I'm not saying "I can't" like "I can't handle it" or "I don't want to handle it" or "Boys are drama"...but I mean...for the sake of my heart, my sanity, my mind, and my thought-life, I just can't date anymore, spend one-on-one time alone with a guy (even if he is "just a friend") or do anything that gives the appearance to others that I'm dating. (side note: Nothing has happened, I haven't "done" something or "gone too far"; This is not about anything physical at all). I'm not "swearing off men" or anything drastic. Actually, I really don't even know what I'm doing, but I do know what I'm NOT doing (for now, at least) and that is being casual with men.
I sincerely love my guy friends here in The Forest. I have some incredible neighbors and wonderful brothers at church and I thoroughly enjoy spending time and doing life with them, but appearances are being twisted and as soon as I'm by myself, Satan uses so much against me. One of my neighbors asked me to dinner this past weekend; We were asked three separate times if we were married and we were asked so many other times if we were engaged, I lost count. We laughed about it and he began calling me "wife" and "Mrs. His Last Name", and then he started calling me those names in front of our friends, and then the next day, he started calling me those names in front of new people we had just met then we went out to dinner with this big group of people...and while he was calling me those things, he was flirting HARD with one of the other girls.
What?!
Now, I KNOW there was no commitment and no expectation between us, but how did it look for him to say those things to me and then say other things to another girl? And what on earth made so many people think we were so serious about one another?! Appearances mean a lot!
Out of my "core group" of friends here, there are two guys that I've spent a considerable amount of "alone time" with--at coffee shops, at dinner, at the movies, etc Again, no commitments, no expectations-- just time to get to know one another and to have fun...
But I can't have it both ways--I can't casually share time with multiple people and then feel let down when they share their time with someone besides me. That's not fair for me to do that. But oh my gosh. I'm not cut out for this.
Number 1--I can't detach. Sorry I'm not sorry--it's just how I work. I don't know how to truly "be casual" (and really, SHOULD I be? Since when were we called to "casually" deal with one another?)
Number 2--I'm not "one of the guys" (this kind of goes with Number 1). Last night, the guys from my building were watching a scary movie. They sent a mass text invite, but I was the only girl who attended. They were all REALLY scaring me and I was getting upset and my "husband" defended me. Multiple times, he made them stop and afterward, he walked me back home. And then he burped. And then he said "Whoa! That was a big one!" And then he turned to go back home. Um. Really!? Gross. And then Satan told me "He thinks your gross. He doesn't really think you're a girl worthy of respect. To him, you're just another dude. All those guys think you're one of them." whatapunk. That did absolutely nothing for my ego. I should have walked home alone.
Number 3--I'm still not yet in a place where I am confident in my own skin. When I see one of "my guys" talking to another girl, I don't feel jealous; I feel disgusting. I instantly see every way in which she is prettier, smarter, thinner, and funnier than me....and then I go home and beat myself up. For me, it's either black or white. I'm in or I'm out, but mostly, I just live in a constant state of feeling like I don't measure up.
I can't handle this. I don't know why Satan chose my body and my singleness as his methods of attack, but he did. He is the father of lies and lately, I've allowed him to get too good at his job.
As a disciple of Christ, I have been chosen by Him and I have been set apart for Him. He and His truths are supposed to captivate me--not His creations (men) and not the lies of the enemy. For now, casual dating/casual alone time with guys is preventing Jesus from being my captivator and allowing Satan to be my captor. Every time I give into his lies, I'm sinning. I'm saying that I don't trust God and His timing, I'm saying that His work (me) is messed up, I'm saying He has not made me new and called me worthy. Every second I waste thinking and analyzing is a second I steal from the Lord; They're seconds I should be meditating on His goodness.
So, I can't date. For the sake of my heart, my sanity, my mind, and my thought-life--For the sake of my purity and sanctification--I must remain single and I must not give off the appearance of "relationship". So for now, dating is "out", being casual is "out", all of it--OUT.
And that scares me. I'm 26. My eggs are expiring ;) justkiddingmaybenotreally I don't know when/where/how I'm supposed to meet someone, but I have to let go of this for now. I have to stop trying to make this happen. I have to stop looking for it. I have to truly hand it over. Drop it like it's hot at the feet of Jesus (that maybe is not the best choice of words...) and RUN from it. I made this commitment the evening of September 10 and it's been a constant battle in my mind to cast out thoughts, lies, daydreams, what-ifs.
Galatians 5:1 says "It is for freedom that Christ set us free; Therefore, keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."
My relationship status does not control my life. My physical appearance does not control my life. These are yokes I will not be taking up again.
Any would-be-suitor should be prepared to pursue hard and to be very intentional.
So pray for us. Pray for our strength. Pray for our trust in and obedience to the Lord's timing.
There are a few areas of my life where I feel like God is calling me into deeper purity and deeper surrender. I won't delve into all of them, but there is one in particular that is scaring the mess out of me. I don't want to let it go. I mean, I say I want God to be in control of this item and I really do only want His best for me regarding this, but letting go of it, I mean COMPLETELY relinquishing control of it is terrifying. What if He takes it and never gives it back? I know He is faithful and sovereign and that His will is perfect and if it is His will to take it and never give it back, then I don't want any alternative...but I'm having a hard time giving it over and walking away.
The world definitely has its opinion on this subject, and pretty much everyone at Southeastern has their own opinions, and everyone has their advice and cliches...But what I need everyone to have is prayers for me regarding this. I feel so dumb even considering writing this down, but Satan is working a number on me here, so I'm shedding light on this situation.
Will you shine with me?
I can't date anymore. I just can't. And I'm not saying "I can't" like "I can't handle it" or "I don't want to handle it" or "Boys are drama"...but I mean...for the sake of my heart, my sanity, my mind, and my thought-life, I just can't date anymore, spend one-on-one time alone with a guy (even if he is "just a friend") or do anything that gives the appearance to others that I'm dating. (side note: Nothing has happened, I haven't "done" something or "gone too far"; This is not about anything physical at all). I'm not "swearing off men" or anything drastic. Actually, I really don't even know what I'm doing, but I do know what I'm NOT doing (for now, at least) and that is being casual with men.
I sincerely love my guy friends here in The Forest. I have some incredible neighbors and wonderful brothers at church and I thoroughly enjoy spending time and doing life with them, but appearances are being twisted and as soon as I'm by myself, Satan uses so much against me. One of my neighbors asked me to dinner this past weekend; We were asked three separate times if we were married and we were asked so many other times if we were engaged, I lost count. We laughed about it and he began calling me "wife" and "Mrs. His Last Name", and then he started calling me those names in front of our friends, and then the next day, he started calling me those names in front of new people we had just met then we went out to dinner with this big group of people...and while he was calling me those things, he was flirting HARD with one of the other girls.
What?!
Now, I KNOW there was no commitment and no expectation between us, but how did it look for him to say those things to me and then say other things to another girl? And what on earth made so many people think we were so serious about one another?! Appearances mean a lot!
Out of my "core group" of friends here, there are two guys that I've spent a considerable amount of "alone time" with--at coffee shops, at dinner, at the movies, etc Again, no commitments, no expectations-- just time to get to know one another and to have fun...
But I can't have it both ways--I can't casually share time with multiple people and then feel let down when they share their time with someone besides me. That's not fair for me to do that. But oh my gosh. I'm not cut out for this.
Number 1--I can't detach. Sorry I'm not sorry--it's just how I work. I don't know how to truly "be casual" (and really, SHOULD I be? Since when were we called to "casually" deal with one another?)
Number 2--I'm not "one of the guys" (this kind of goes with Number 1). Last night, the guys from my building were watching a scary movie. They sent a mass text invite, but I was the only girl who attended. They were all REALLY scaring me and I was getting upset and my "husband" defended me. Multiple times, he made them stop and afterward, he walked me back home. And then he burped. And then he said "Whoa! That was a big one!" And then he turned to go back home. Um. Really!? Gross. And then Satan told me "He thinks your gross. He doesn't really think you're a girl worthy of respect. To him, you're just another dude. All those guys think you're one of them." whatapunk. That did absolutely nothing for my ego. I should have walked home alone.
Number 3--I'm still not yet in a place where I am confident in my own skin. When I see one of "my guys" talking to another girl, I don't feel jealous; I feel disgusting. I instantly see every way in which she is prettier, smarter, thinner, and funnier than me....and then I go home and beat myself up. For me, it's either black or white. I'm in or I'm out, but mostly, I just live in a constant state of feeling like I don't measure up.
I can't handle this. I don't know why Satan chose my body and my singleness as his methods of attack, but he did. He is the father of lies and lately, I've allowed him to get too good at his job.
As a disciple of Christ, I have been chosen by Him and I have been set apart for Him. He and His truths are supposed to captivate me--not His creations (men) and not the lies of the enemy. For now, casual dating/casual alone time with guys is preventing Jesus from being my captivator and allowing Satan to be my captor. Every time I give into his lies, I'm sinning. I'm saying that I don't trust God and His timing, I'm saying that His work (me) is messed up, I'm saying He has not made me new and called me worthy. Every second I waste thinking and analyzing is a second I steal from the Lord; They're seconds I should be meditating on His goodness.
So, I can't date. For the sake of my heart, my sanity, my mind, and my thought-life--For the sake of my purity and sanctification--I must remain single and I must not give off the appearance of "relationship". So for now, dating is "out", being casual is "out", all of it--OUT.
And that scares me. I'm 26. My eggs are expiring ;) justkiddingmaybenotreally I don't know when/where/how I'm supposed to meet someone, but I have to let go of this for now. I have to stop trying to make this happen. I have to stop looking for it. I have to truly hand it over. Drop it like it's hot at the feet of Jesus (that maybe is not the best choice of words...) and RUN from it. I made this commitment the evening of September 10 and it's been a constant battle in my mind to cast out thoughts, lies, daydreams, what-ifs.
Galatians 5:1 says "It is for freedom that Christ set us free; Therefore, keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."
My relationship status does not control my life. My physical appearance does not control my life. These are yokes I will not be taking up again.
Any would-be-suitor should be prepared to pursue hard and to be very intentional.
So pray for us. Pray for our strength. Pray for our trust in and obedience to the Lord's timing.
you are precious!
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