My body rejected me in front of everyone.

Tonight absolutely sealed the deal.

I have struggled with weight my entire life and I've dealt with it in many ways. I developed earlier than the other girls my age and having noticeable boobs and hips as an elementary schooler made me extremely self-concious. I always felt so awkward. And then in middle school, the kids got really mean. I remember this one boy, Tim Holmes, tormented me every single day because of my weight. I remember every name he called me. He is the reason I have convinced myself, even to this day, that I am undesirable and than no man will ever call me "beautiful". And I know all the cliches and things that well-intentioned friends will say to this,  but let's be honest. I haven't been asked on a real date in seven years. By the time I got to high school, I became so withdrawn and shy because my confidence was so low. I was absolutely convinced that I probably disgusted everyone as much as I disgusted Tim, so I tried to keep my distance. I allowed my weight to  keep me from going to homecoming dances and I allowed my issues to keep me from spending one single minute with my date, Jon, at Prom. The only people I felt comfortable with were gay men because I didn't have to worry about impressing them because I knew they weren't interested in dating me, and they were different than the girls because with them, I didn't have to worry about the fact that I couldn't wear the same fashions or dish about the dates I wasn't going on or the kisses I wasn't having. I was safe. Which, as you can imagine, lead to a pretty dysfunctional learning experience regarding dating.

I was pretty bummed that I didn't get accepted to UGA, but at the same time, I was excited to be the only one in my graduating class of 832 to attend CSU. I was ready for a change. I was ready for a new start. I was ready to be at a school where the students hadn't known me for 13 years as "the quiet fat girl".

CSU brought many new experiences into my life. My first day on campus, I met a great guy and fell pretty hard for him. Nick was handsome and we got along so well. I loved spending time with him and he was always such a fun date and I loved his family; And he would later join an ever-growing list of guys I invested in who later revealed his homosexuality. Early into my freshman year, a beautiful senior named Ellen passed me a note through a mutual friend inviting me to rush, citing that she believed I'd be a great addition to Phi Mu. I was floored. I was also absolutely convinced that she was playing a prank on me. I wrote her so many notes in response (that I never had the nerve to give to her) declining her invitation because I didn't believe for a second that I would be accepted by a sorority. Because I couldn't muster up any truly decent excuses, I rushed. When I made it through every. single. night. of rush and was "preffed" by every sorority on campus, because of my weight, I honestly believed that every sorority was "in" on the prank; That I was the girl picked to go through rush to be the one everyone made fun of. However, and mainly because of Ellen Najjar, Erin Burns, and Lora and Melissa McCurley, though I could have worn any letters, I "suicided" Phi Mu when I filled out my bid card. The next night (Bid Night), all through my Phi period, and right up until the very last second of initiation, I was waiting for the ball to drop. But it never did. And for the first time in my life, I felt like someone saw past the fat and picked me and loved me for ME. For the first time, I felt validated. And for the first time, I had a social life. I was invited to parties and I was in all the pictures, I was on top of the social ladder at my University (and everyone knew it. I mean, come on. We were PHI MUS!)

But beyond my letters, I was still the fat, quiet girl. Bekah The Phi Mu got to do whatever she wanted, but just plain Bekah practically didn't exist. I watched my best friend and Lil Sis, a beautiful dancer with a heart of gold, have her pick--with everything--clothes, guys, what to do on Friday night. Please don't hear me wrong--I absolutely do not resent her (or any of my Sisters or friends), but it was pretty obvious that there was a difference between she and I. And it wasn't simply "that I was fat", but I know it's because she exudes confidence and grace and I am still convinced that no one could actually want me-- as a partner, as a friend, as a whatever. I'm still waiting for someone to see past my "million dollar smile", "perfect hair", sorority letters, "creativity", intelligence. I am thankful for those qualities, truly, and I take pride in them, but I am waiting on my whole package to be validated. I am waiting to feel worthy, myself, of validating myself. What disgusting lies Satan throws my way.

But I do, I really do, feel so stuck inside my body.

Toward the end of college, I began to meet people outside of the Greek system and I formed some really incredible friendships with people in the ministry who I remain "family-kinda-close" with even still. My Souled Out family, specifically, and the people who came to Bible Study at Sarah Jane's house are what makes my heart break when I think about no longer living in Georgia. I met a man who knocked me off my feet like no one has. He's handsome and godly and ridiculously smart and hilarious. I respect him more than any man, other than my father that is. Nathan quickly became a very good friend and he literally was the hardest part about leaving Columbus. Part of me still wonders what would have been if we had more time. Part of me wants to believe that with just a little more time, he would have fallen for me like I fell for him. But more of me knows that that's probably not true; I never would have allowed him to get close enough to fall. You see, my weight is not just a wall that keeps me away from others; It's also a wall that keeps others out. I like to act strong, confident, and self-assured, but it's one of the many masks I wear. Nathan never once made me feel like "less". If anything, he has made me feel more valued than many other have, but I really do still believe the things Tim said to me in the seventh grade. I have resigned myself to believing that no good man will ever treasure me proudly, that no one is actually my friend (that they're just being nice because we're in seminary or at church and you have to be nice and inclusive in those places), and that I will always be alone because of my dress size. I really do believe that I'm a great girl. Just not great enough.

After college, my life has just been so confusing. I met a guy who told me all the time how beautiful I was. Finally. An attractive, straight man who made it clear. He would go out of his way to spend so much time with me and to help me with things. And he always knew how to get a smile onto my face and he did everything he could to keep it there. After I moved to North Carolina, D confessed that he was never actually into me. And I mean, honestly, I knew him for a year and then I moved away. I wasn't realistically "looking for something" with him, it was always casual, but again, as you can guess, this is another one of those instances that Satan uses as he twists the truth and tries to convince me, yet again, that I am just not worthy enough.

Don't read me incorrectly. I am not trying to say that my worth is only found in the love of a good man. I KNOW that's not what defines or decides my worth. I know that NO ONE on this Earth can make me feel truly worthy. I know that my only worth comes from Christ Jesus. I know that to feel unworthy makes His handiwork small, denies His abilities and purposes, and says that He's not enough. That's why my struggles with weight are so disgusting. It's not simply that I am overweight--though I recognize that being overweight is an indication that I haven't been a good steward of the body and of the resources that the Lord has given me--which is why I've been on this journey for the last year to become healthy. I want my life, including my body and how I feel about my body, to be glorifying to the Lord. I want to be pleasing in His sight.

I also recognize that this is way more than a weight issue.

In the last year, I  have lost 30 pounds and 5 dress sizes. People tell me almost every week how much thinner I look. And though I love it and I appreciate the encouragement, I'm not satisfied by those words. I am so much stronger than I was this time last year. With the encouragement of Dr. Reid, I have done P90X TWICE (which is ridiculous in and of itself) and with the time and training I've received from Katharine Ray, I've been running; I ran my first race last week! And though my time wasn't incredible, I COMPLETED a 5k, I wasn't anywhere close to being in last place, and I felt amazing.

But it's not enough. I'm realizing now that it is no longer about numbers--numbers on the scale, numbers inside on my dress tags, numbers on the race clock, numbers of miles run. It's about rest, peace, and freedom...and I'm not there.

I am not free. I am trapped in a body that doesn't work well, partially because it's too big and partially because its lungs are too weak. Tonight, I began "speed training" with Monty. Yes. I have two running coaches now. After about 5 times around the track, I began feeling really weird. Not just tired or fat or whatever, but not safe. I told Monty and he was encouraging and allowed me to slow down, though I hated not being able to keep up with Amanda and I hated that Katharine was watching me--I didn't want to disappoint her. After two more laps of walking and cooling down, I hit the ground. The world was spinning, the grass was covered in sparkling polka dots, and I felt tingly. Katharine was diplomatic, as usual, telling me to not be discouraged because I'm getting over a cold and I wasn't breathing well because I had been sick, which is absolutely the truth, but I don't need ANOTHER excuse to fail. Yes, I've been sick, yes I have asthma, yes it's over 95 degrees and really freakin humid, blah blah blah. Excuses. Yes. I'm fat on top of all of that. OH MY STARS! I am so tired of being TRAPPED in this body and I am so tired of having excuses for why it limits me.

I sat in the grass and just cried. Maybe I was able to be stealthy enough and wipe away my tears in a manner than made it look like I was wiping off sweat, but I am just so sad with the state I am in and I am sad of my body holding me back. I'm tired of being weak and incapable and I am tired of not being enough and I am tired of having excuses, no matter how legitimate they are.

I gathered myself and we all walked up the stadium steps and got into our cars. And then it hit me. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I was gasping and I absolutely could not take a single breath. I panicked and flung my car back into the parking space. I don't even remember what happened, but I suppose that Amanda jumped out and ran to get Monty and Katharine because the next thing I knew, Katharine was holding a wet cloth on my face and Monty had taken off my shoes and was pouring cold water all over my feet. My weak body rejected me in front of everyone. I was miserable and just so, so embarrassed. I had forgotten what an asthma attack felt like--it's been at least 12 years since I've had one, but I was absolutely terrified.

But that's it. I'm done.

Here is a list of things I can't do:
-I can't decide  how people REALLY feel about me
-But I can't worry myself over that.
-I can't keep living in fear of people
-I can't keep believing that I am unworthy of love, affection, status or whatever just because of how I look
-I can't keep living as if I am not valuable
-I can't keep making or accepting excuses
-I can't stay trapped in this body forever

I may never be a size two. I may never be beautiful. I may never lose another single pound. God can decide to keep me exactly HERE if He so choses. But change starts right now. Tonight, the very last excuse was made for my body. Tonight, my body held me back for the very last time. Tonight, my body left its weakness on the football field at Wake Forest-Rolesville High School. I will be strong, I will be healthy, I will be beautiful, and I will be called worthy for the glory of God Almighty.

I don't want your cliches, I don't want the empty words you're "supposed" to say at the end of something like this. But I DO want you to say "goodbye" to Bekah as you know her. That girl died tonight. I absolutely covet your prayers and support as I press on toward godliness and self-discipline and as I strive to break the bonds of slavery that my body has over me.

1 Corinthians 9.24-25:²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.


To The King and for His glory, forever and ever.