I Choose Life.

I have a friend who sends me Bible verses every day via text message. Today’s was Romans 8:28 “...all things work together for the good of those who love God.” Seeing as today is TWLOHA Day, I thought the verse was pretty fitting (to learn more about the TWLOHA movement, go here: http://www.twloha.com/vision/ ) As I wrote “Love” on my own arm today, I began to think, to remember, and to question.

I don’t even know where to start this story; Not because I’m afraid of it, but because I know I’m writing it with the intent to make it public. And it’s not that it’s a secret--my family knows, my close friends know, my Souled Out family knows. But why is it that sexual abuse and the other issues related to TWLOHA are so stigmatized in church-culture? We can talk about things like overcoming addiction or coming out of a gang or a myriad of other “bad” things, but issues like rape, depression, self-injury, etc seem so shrouded in shame, guilt, and darkness. I am living proof that God does make all things new, and things that are scary and unknown to us don’t trip Him up. Redemption and restoration are beautiful qualities of my Savior and today, I choose to celebrate life; I choose to celebrate King Jesus!

I don’t remember much. It was a whirl-wind of things that shocked me, things that repulsed me, and things I was either scared to remember or desperate to forget. I remember that it happened, and then somewhere in the mix, I lost a week of my life, and then I remember laying on the floor of the dorm building hall and crying as a dear friend shook with anger and said the words I wouldn’t admit to myself; “Bekah! You were raped! You need to get help!” Even though I knew he was correct, I still couldn’t admit it; I couldn’t even say “the R word”. No way. Not to me. I was a “good girl”. I was a Christian. I was a Sunday School teacher.

I was naive. 

When I finally left my apartment for the first time in...days..I found a quiet spot on a park bench and called my church. I finally admitted, out loud, to myself and to someone I trusted what happened. And he blamed be for it. He told me that I must have done something wrong to deserve it. If only I had been walking right with the Lord, He would have protected me...

That was the last time for two years that I talked about what happened. I felt so guilty.

That was the last time for two years that I stepped foot in a church. I felt so unworthy.

It wasn’t hatred or resentment toward anyone or anything. I just felt so lost, empty, and confused. The worst part of it all was that I WAS a Christian! A follower of Jesus! Saved by His blood and grace! But because the world turned its back on me (or because I shut it out altogether), I assumed for a while that God had done the same...especially since that minister had told me so. The hardest part of it all was knowing that those thoughts about God weren’t true. I knew God well enough (and I knew His promises and His Word well enough) to know that He had never left or forsaken me. The problem was me; It was in my own mind. Satan fed me so many lies. He made me feel SO filthy. I literally avoided reflective surfaces for months because every time I saw myself I thought “Not a virgin! Dirty! Damaged goods! No man will ever marry you!” Today, I realized that at that time in my life, “purity” was both an idol AND something I tried to attain on my own (Salvation and sanctification...purity...holiness...they’re all the Lord’s! Unattainable by any means other than Him!). The whole time, I KNEW that the ONLY answer was Jesus. Forgiveness was only His to give. Furthermore, I believed that that work had been completed on the cross, but I was certain that somehow, this was unforgivable. I remember trying desperately to pray; For a long time, I couldn’t. I would get by myself and try, but was so overwhelmed with (guilt/sorrow/unworthiness) LIES that I couldn’t speak. And, as more time passed, the guiltier I felt because now, not only was I trying to deal with this issue, but I knew that I had been refusing Jesus’ intervention in my life! It was all Satan trying to keep God’s girl away from the feet of her Father. 

Over the next two years, things changed. I moved, I had a new major, I was functioning (as much as I could apart from Christ...not that He ever left me, but I was still just carrying Him without relating to Him). Life moved on and, without really dealing with things, I did too.

Traci Quintard, you will never know how instrumental you were in my recovery. You were “something new” to me. And your love for the Lord and for His people was beautifully refreshing. You invited me to church and, for the first time in years, I went. It was at Wynnbrook that I gave up the struggle, stopped resisting God, and allowed Him to pick me up, dust me off, make me new, and (get this!!!) take the grossest part of my life and USE IT FOR HIS GLORY!!!! It was through Wynnbrook that I got hooked up with Jonathan and Lisa and the Souled Out ministry and it has especially been through Souled Out that I have taken off the “victim” hat and put on the “victor” hat. God has given sweet victory (because, after all, HE IS VICTORIOUS OVER SATAN!). I can forgive because He forgave me (long before I was even born!). 

Forgiving myself (for not resting in Jesus, among other things), forgiving that minister, and forgiving the rapist has only come because Christ set the ultimate example of forgiveness on the cross. For He, who knew no sin, became sin for US so that WE may become His righteousness! Forgiveness is incredibly freeing. Forgiveness is no longer hiding (from anyone and anything regarding this), forgiveness is letting go of lies and guilt (and for calling the enemy out on his games!), and forgiveness isn’t forgetting...but it’s allowing the memories and the event to glorify the King. Forgiveness is holding teen girls in the middle of the night behind the worship center and HONESTLY telling them that it WILL get better because God has a plan. Forgiveness is holding a girl’s hand as she calls her mom and explains what happened to her. Forgiveness is being honest with my own family, telling this story without fear, and proclaiming the might and wonder of the ALMIGHTY LORD AND SAVIOR, KING JESUS! Holy, holy, holy is He! And most worthy to be praised! He works out EVERYTHING for the good of those who love Him. He sets the captives free. And what Satan meant for harm, He means for glory. 

Those in Christ have VICTORY. They have freedom. And we, as the Body, have the sweet opportunity to minister to the needy and broken and to brag on our Heavenly Father, and to love others to the cross and to watch as their captive hearts are set free.

Brokenness manifests in a myriad of ways, to the believer and the non-believer alike. To stigmatize certain aspects of brokenness and need is to deny the work, life, and ministry/love/commands of Christ, and to shun those who need the miracle of the cross.(from TWLOHA): “You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live...You need to know that your story is important and part of a bigger story...You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, and that God is still in the business of redemption...we are more loved than we’ll ever know.”